Where’s My Reset Button?

Way back in time, when I could spend hours upon hours honing my video game skills, I remember playing a game for days that provided countless hours of frustration. The game was “Battletoads”.  It was developed by the now famous developers, Rare, Inc. It all started with a classmate of mine bragging that he played a ‘speed game’, where you play through and beat a game with the fastest time possible. He boasted of a time of 1 hour and 20 minutes. For most of those familiar with Battletoads, the famously difficult “speeder bike” stages have been the bane of those who’ve played it; and also, the purveyor of many, many, ‘rage quits’. So, I tried seemingly endlessly, to beat his time. I never made it past perfecting the first 3 stages, resetting anytime I didn’t get through a stage perfectly. Eventually, in my futile attempt to beat these stages as fast as possible, I managed to break my consoles reset button; I was’nt successful to say the least, and much to my chagrin, I returned to faec my classmate at school, defeated day after day.

Sometimes, I wish life had a reset button…  Can I hit the reset button now?

If you have been following the couple dozen or so posts on my blog, it has been months since I’ve posted. I’ve fallen off my 365 project, and, I am behind on posting a few photoshoots.  I’m not sure of the exact reason, really.

I think it started in November, when my Lolo Wes had passed away (‘Lolo’, meaning grandfather in Filipino). While I wasn’t particularly close to him, his passing seems to have really taken its toll on me. Even to this moment, it gets the gears in my head turning, and the more they turn, the more I feel lost. My mind has been filled with all sorts of thoughts about life: Where am I exactly? What am I doing? Where do I really want to be?

Is it wrong to have these thoughts, when I have most of what I can ask for in life?  I have a beautiful, loving wife, who takes care of me; and three absolutely wonderful kids whom, despite my grumpiness, put a smile on my face day in and day out.  I have a wonderful home and good health, yet, I yearn for something more. I think back to my Lolo’s funeral, and it made me appreciate life so much more than I used to. It churned a desire within me to do bigger things and just live, rather than trying to catch up to life, before it’s done.  I feel like I’m living the same story of all my peers: I go to work and come home, I eat and spend time with family, then I sleep; then it’s rinse and repeat- the monotonous, infinite loop of the daily grind.

Is this what is destined for me day in and day out until I leave this place? I let my thirst and ambition get the best of me, then struggle with finding a means to satisfy it.

Make no mistake, I would never wish to trade what I have for the world, but is it wrong for me to want more? Is it wrong to crave for more out of life?  I just want to write an original story and not just my version of everyone else’s.  It’s quite difficult, and how do I break away from this feeling without affecting my day-to-day life and priorities?  Yet, I long for greater things, and I can feel them just right up there, up the road- I can almost see them. My wife says I’m just going through a mid-life crisis.  If that’s true, then I only have 30 years to create the rest of my legacy. I suppose I better get crackin’.

And that reset button?  It is never going to fix itself- so I shouldn’t expect to use it.

My camera helps me see the light, and through it I see the beauty of life, and the people around me.  It provides an escape from the tedium and continuance of the eternal grind.  My blog helps me speak my voice, through which I can write my frustrations away, and by the looks of it, I think I missed it very much.  These two things are my platform for showing you, my dear reader and follower, who I really am.  I hope to continue my journey, and I will try my best to not abandon it…

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